My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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