a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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