she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
