I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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