I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
