i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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