Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
