remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
