I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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