Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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