My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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