I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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