You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
