Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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