half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i've created a new STD.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
