my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
