I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
