This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
