Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
