In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
