Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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