I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
