things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
