Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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