im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
