So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
