i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
No subtext here. People are naked.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
