I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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