I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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