my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
