Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
