just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
