So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
