there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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