I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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