Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
