I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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