Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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