well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
