hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
