The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
