went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
