i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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