Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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