i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
