I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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