thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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