i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
