would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
