Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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